Just the Beginning: A Freshman Year Reflection

In my mind, writing a blog post about the end of my freshman year of college is equally as important as studying for finals. There's worse things I could be doing.

To start, this year has flow by. I feel like as I grow older, I become more and more fascinated with how fast my life is going and how a school year is not nearly as long as it used to feel in elementary school. As I end this year in my life, I reflect on how this year has changed me and helped me grow. I never believed on move in day back in August that I would be here in my last week of freshman year. If college flies by anything like high school did, after freshman year is when time picks up and the last 3 years are a blur. This year I think I learned more about life and about myself that ever. Going away to school opened my eyes to a world I didn't know existed. I realized what a bubble I lived in (despite thinking I didn't). I lived in a world where everyone was like me, everyone had a lifestyle like me, and liked the same things as me. There were people different than me but I didn't know them really. Coming to school, I learned that nothing is going to get done unless I do it myself. A lot of that comes with my age too. I'm realizing that I'm almost 20 years old and it's time I stand up for myself and ask questions and schedule my own appointments.

This year I also experienced a sadness like I had never experienced before. I wasn't someone who spent their freshman year wide eyed at all the fun at my finger tips and all of the friends yet to make. I spent a lot of this year yearning for the life I had previously known, at home. That was one of the hardest things for me to accept; that my childhood and life as I knew it before this year was over. Things would never be the same. That scared me and I wasn't sure I was ready for that. I'm not ready to be an adult.

I don't think I can finish this year saying I had the time of my life. It was still school. I still stressed over tests, did my homework, and did what needed to be done. Some people come to college and fall in love. They love their school, their college town, they're in love with all the people they've met too. Maybe it's because I'm reserved or maybe it's because I'm just not a small town girl at heart but I didn't fall in love. I appreciate it but I don't love it. I found myself living weekend to weekend in my first semester, just dying to get home and spend a little time with people that know me, love me, and I can be myself around. I was itching for familiarity and my family. Having a horrible roommate didn't help. That's another thing I've learned that I severely underestimated: how big of an impact your roommate has on your college experience. I wanted to escape. By the end of the week I just needed out of this small town, out of the stuffy dorm room, and a breath from college. I'm not someone who likes being around people my own age for too long. I remember thinking that when I first came to school for orientation in the summer..... It's so weird how everyone here is my age.

There was a lot I didn't know and a lot I learned. Daily college life became a little easier and I began to figure out what I wanted out of my time here. I still don't fully know but I'm working on it little by little everyday.

Around January, after Christmas break was over, I diagnosed myself with a little something I call "The Post-Christmas Break Blues". It was about a month to a month and a half long period of extreme sadness for me. I contribute it to getting too reattached to home over break. I had just moved into a new dorm room, away from my awful old roommate, and into a new room down the hall. For a week, I lived in the new room alone before my new roommate was able to move in. Having it be the first week back and my first night in another new place all by myself put me in a bad place that it took me a long time to get out of. I began having bad anxiety attacks and woke up numerous nights either crying or scared of something unknown. I missed home and I missed the time that Christmas break had given me to be with my family. I worried so much.. Too much. I worried about everything. I worried about how I would grow up, if I was too attached to home, why everyone liked college except me, if I was living wrong, if I wasn't growing up fast enough, if I'm going to force myself to get left behind. I put an insane amount of pressure on myself to the point where I was crying everyday except for when I was in class and around people. I worked myself into such a bad place where I would have to call my mom or sister and have talk me out of these fits I was in. I realized that I have major anxiety levels and it will eat me alive if I don't learn to handle it. I still get hit with it a lot, mostly when I'm coming back to school. I've also had points where I've cried the entire drive home because I overwhelm myself with worry and doubt. I had never in my life been surrounded by so many people yet also never felt so alone. What brought me out of it more than anything else was putting my whole heart in my faith. It was when I realized that my mind should be filled with prayer and not anxiety and worry that my life got better. I still have to remind myself not to complain and to see the beauty. When life is ready to work itself out it will. In the meantime, I have people who love me, value me, and cherish me and those that don't, don't matter. Below are a few quotes that helped me get through this year~

"Everything you want is coming. Relax and let the universe pick up the timing and the way. You just need to trust that what you want is coming, and watch how fast it comes."

"Most of the stuff people worry about never happens"

 " God is working out something beautiful in the midst of your suffering."

"We grow at the rates of our own hearts" 

 As silly as it sounds, a lot of my sadness was cured when I started watching Parks and Recreation on Netflix. Little did I know there was this entire comedy TV show genre I had been depriving myself of on Netflix. After just one season, Leslie Knope and the entire Pawnee gang mended my heart a little bit.

I think people learn things in their Freshman year of college that is exactly what they needed to learn. Some learn that you shouldn't take 17 credit hours your first semester. Some learn that you probably shouldn't sleep with any guy who's down to get laid tonight. Some learn that you actually need to study for tests. As for me, I learned that it's okay to like what you're doing even if it doesn't feel like what you're suppose to be doing. Just because most college kids like to go get wasted and party and get drunk and you like to drink venti iced coffees, listen to unpopular music, and go to Nordstrom sales on Saturday doesn't mean you're living life wrong. Some people like to hide all of the things that scare them or that they're stressed about under countless cups of vodka and some people feel better after an evening of watching Saturday Night Live with your favorite ice cream.  People in college are not the same as you. They come from different places, have different values, and often times don't understand yours. I'm still trying to become so secure in myself, my lifestyle, and my choices to the point where no one can make me feel like I'm living my life wrong.

Coming to college was the scariest thing I could think of doing and I did it. I survived it and even enjoyed it at times. Am I in love with it? No. Could I learn to love it? Probably. I'm just working on enjoying the life I have and making the best out of the moment I'm in.

xoxo,
Allie

Spring Feelings

Hello again... Yes it's me. It feels like it's been 91 and a half years since I've blogged and somehow it also seems like it was yesterday. Now that I think about it, that's how most of my life has been feeling lately.
So I've finished my first semester of college and I don't necessarily know how I did it or if I even did it right I just know I did it. It wasn't easy but most of the struggles I had didn't happen in class. The first semester for me was all about figuring out where I fit and who I was going to be post-high school. It was a time of doing things by myself because that's all I had but also trying to make new friends. I focused on doing things for me and things that felt good. I tried to make good out of what felt bad and stay optimistic. I would say I was pretty good at it too. I made friends, established myself academically, and transitioned pretty well into typical college life. That's not to say I'm fully customed to college social culture because god knows every bone in me is filled with social awkwardness. Frankly, college parties gross me out. They're sleezy, sticky, and sweaty. The boys are drunk and looking for someone to grind and most girls are so emotionally unstable that they drown it in cheap limearitas they got their friend's boyfriend to buy them as they beg every girl they see to take a picture with them. Ah, the memories. Seeing that you can't exactly be a stick in the mud 24/7, I darkened the door of a couple frat parties, practically sober every time pretending to have a good time for a total of 4 hours until all of my less than sober friends decide to go back to our lousy freshman dorms. Yippee.

Needless to say I counted down the days until Christmas break. Once it finally came, I was in a state of bliss. I had a whole 31 days of my family, working, my own bed, and home. I could sleep in or not, shop, laugh with my sister, and forget about all the woes of school and the weirdness that is college life for just a small window of time. It was so refreshing that it made coming back a nightmare.

Second semester felt weird from the beginning. As soon as I got back to school, I immediately  contacted my residence hall director trying to get a room change and get away from my strange and rude roommate. I got a room change and at the first minute I could, dragged my stuff to the new room. I spent 3 nights in the new room by myself because my new roommate (who is one of my best friends and a sorority sister) couldn't move in until the end of the week. Those days were the worst days of the semester so far. I felt so sad and I had no idea why. I had just gotten what I wanted all of the first semester. I knew I was sad about break being over and feeling like college controlled my life and that I no longer had control of where I could spend my time and who with and where. I felt like I was doing absolutely everything wrong. I felt like my relationship with my parents was too strong and that that was a reason I hated being away from home. I blamed myself for being too reliant on the love they gave me. I worried I hadn't "sailed away" and lived a life outside of my family. I worried no one would ever love me and that I was incapable of a romantic relationship. I worked myself into the worst anxiety I had ever had and I couldn't seem to get myself to stop until I woke up with what must have been an anxiety attack. It just felt like I couldn't breathe and that my life was over and everything I'd done was wrong and that everything I'd ever wanted to do was doomed. I remember sitting in bed sobbing calling my mom. My mom talked me off a cliff that morning but I was still a bit of a wreck. I went home that weekend. I remember crying on the drive home. I got home and acted like everything was fine. I thought the anxiety would be lifted... I was home now. I realized that home didn't feel like it did the week before when I was on break. I also realized that I had a harder time transitioning and feeling okay second semester than I did first. I ended up sobbing talking to my parents about my worries and troubles and they talked me through everything. I've been journaling and trying to do more things that make me not worry as much. It's not easy and occasionally it comes back. I'm praying more now than I used to as well. I've always been a prayer but I feel closer to God now. More trusting. It's amazing how much pressure you can take off of yourself when you know someone is helping you through everything.

One of the things that has been getting me through has been Parks and Recreation. Yes, it sounds silly that a TV show has impacted me but it truly has. I saw a couple people tweet about it in addition to some of my favorite girly bloggers on tumblr raving about it. I couldn't understand what the fascination could be with a show called Parks and Recreation... It sounded weird. Truth be told, it is weird. Somehow it is just what I needed. It keeps me up at night giggling and make me feel more okay about my life and the world. It makes me believe that there are good things in store for me and restores my sense of laughter and fun that I sometimes feel like I miss when I'm at school. College students tend to lack in quick wit and silliness. They tend to lean their humor towards the vulgar and crude side.... Which tends not to always be my taste. In many ways, I see myself in the characters, like every Parks and Rec fan. I'm only on the 4th season but I've never felt more at home in Pawnee. If you haven't watched it, I couldn't recommend it more to any comedy loving person.

I'm hoping for a good finish to my freshman year. I have no idea where the time has gone. Sometimes it feels like this has been an eternity and sometimes it feels like it's been a week. Often times these days, I find myself thinking a lot about time. Like how I don't want to get older and how I don't feel the age I am. I try to remind myself that I've never felt the age I am and that's just me. I'm not like everyone else and I've never really felt like anyone else. Maybe that's okay. I try to stay optimistic and focused. I suppose it will all make sense someday.

xoxo
Allie

A Little Pre-Holiday Update

I'm currently sitting in the library at my college, with, surprisingly enough, not much to do. Not having anything to do is a rarity in college. It's also sort of an urban myth. The truth is, there is always something you could be working on. I've accomplished a few things today. I've been to two classes and am going to my third in an hour and a half and have completed a couple of assignments but really other than that there isn't a lot on my to do list.

Last week was my busy week. It was sorority elections, sorority initiation, sorority founders day, huge science test, sorority initiation test, and the panhellenic scholarship banquet.. AND we had to be dressed in business casual attire every day last week (mind you wasn't easy considering it was somewhere around 10 degrees every day). Even if you don't know what half of those things are, you can likely sympathize with the overwhelming capacity of things I had to do. What's nice is that typically after you have a busy week like that, the following week is pretty mellow.

So with that, here I am. Sitting in the library with the Starbucks I told myself for hours I didn't need but ended up getting. If you were wondering I got an iced caramel brule latte, because despite it being 10 degrees outside, it's about 90 degrees inside and hot coffee makes me sweat. This coffee was $5.09. WHY. I am the worlds biggest Starbucks junkie so you'd think I'm already conditioned to think that Starbucks prices are normal. I know Starbucks is expensive but I could swear that never in my life have I ever paid 5 DOLLARS for a grande iced coffee before. Idk what made it so expensive or maybe I was just hyper sensitive today. Who knows. But somehow as I slurped it down after telling myself I wasn't going to get Starbucks today and then it costing over $5, it just wasn't as satisfying.
Moral of that story: I need a Keurig.

I'm also on the hunt for cute little black ankle boots. Nothing to fancy or dressy. Just some cute little black boots to slip on with leggings and big sweater. This request is not as easy as it sounds because literally the only ankle boots you can find these days are either brown or combat style and that's not what I want.. you see my trouble now.

I'm still a homebody if you were wondering. College is not for homebodies. I counted and figured out that I have been home 8 out of my 12 weekends here. Which is actually better numbers than I thought I would come up with considering everybody and their brother gives me grief about going home so often. The way I see it, everybody transitions at my their own pace. I am still a freshman in college, I am still away from home for the first time. I am doing okay. If I want to go home and spend the weekend with my family, I will. I'm sure the time will come where I don't go home as much, and that's okay. I'll have plenty of time to not go home. Home is my support. It's where I'm sane. It's where life feels like life and I can breathe. It's where I can laugh at the dumbest stuff with my sister and go shopping. It's where my mom is always waiting with a hug and my dad reminds me how proud he is of me. I'm proud of me too. I'm doing something that, at this time last year, didn't even seem fathomable. I thought leaving home and leaving my family was the impossible. I thought I'd cry every day. I did there for a while. And then it stopped. It still comes to me in waves. I could have seen my family 3 days ago and still sob in the back of the library. I find when I'm crying in college, it's because I miss the way things used to be. I miss high school and my friends and the way everything was so simple and easy. I miss weekends with my mom and driving home from school with my sister. I find that I miss my city. I'm from a big city and there's so much to do and it's so beautiful. Especially at this time of the year. I miss the lights and the spirit that exits there. Sometimes I ask myself how I can be so homesick when there are friends of mine who haven't been home at all since school started. How are they doing it? Like I said earlier, we all transition at different rates. I'm sure there will come a day where I come to think of my college town fondly and miss things about it here just like I miss home. Maybe I'll figure out that there is more to do on the weekends here than going to parties (which I have little to no interest in). I need to give myself time.

I spend a lot of time in the library. Not because I'm a big fat nerd and all I care about is books and studying because that's not the case at all. I've found the library to be a very safe place for me. There's not a lot of places in college where you can be alone to work and think. There are people surrounding you on the sidewalks, in the dorms, in the dining hall, in your classrooms. I even find that my roommate (whom I'm not close with if you were wondering) is breathing down my neck. In the library, I can go to the "silent floor" where everyone is too afraid to hang out and go to the very back corner and enjoy the silence. I can get my homework done, study, or sit and just browse the internet (which is what I usually do). No one bothers you and I feel productive. My #1 recommendation of how to be productive in the library in college: don't go with your friends. You'll get nothing done. Work alone. I've met so many people that say they hate being alone which is so unusual to me. I can't imagine hating my own company. Back in high school, I used to work at a library. It was one of the biggest in the nation and was SO MUCH FUN. I shelved the books and helped with programs and children's storytime. It was a blast everyday I worked with the best people and learned so much. That's another thing I miss about home. That's why I like the library here at school so much; it reminds me of that time in my life. I can walk down the aisle and read the Dewey numbers on the books and remember how I spent my senior year and summer. Existing among all those books and knowing where every single one went was very very comforting to me. I'm someone who needs a lot of comfort.

Now that I've made myself out to sound like the biggest book nerd who only likes spending time with their family and hiding in book shelves, I must remind you not to make yourself so easily definable. I've had people say to me before that they "never would've guessed I'm the type of person I am by the way I look". I love doing my hair and wearing cute outfits and having nice makeup but I don't define myself by those. I am not JUST that. I am not JUST someone who likes libraries. I like typical things like giggling over cute boys and singing loud in the car. If you were to look at someone and define them in your own mind based on what you may know about them or how you assume they are based on their looks, you'd be completely off. No matter who it is. No one is any one thing. No one is easily defined. Everyone has something about them that you wouldn't have guessed. Challenge yourself to surprise people.

Thank you for reading, supporting, and following.

I love you little nuggets so much. Leave me any questions, comments, or funny jokes you might have in my tumblr ask box http://glitteronmynails.tumblr.com/ask and I promise I will reply.

xoxoxo

allie

My First Month of College- Lonliness, Excitement, and Joining A Sorority

Hello beautiful person who for some miraculous reason is reading this,

I recently started college and that has been a huge change for me. I moved in a little less than a month ago to a school an hour and a half away from my beautiful home city with a complete stranger. I've been doing a lot better than I ever imagined I would be honestly. I've met a lot of people and started building relationships but most importantly, started to establish a healthy amount of independence.

My roommate and I are total opposites. She's from a small town and I'm from a big city. She smokes and drinks. I do neither. She looks down on "spoiled rich kids" and I'm very privileged. We get along but I do feel very lonely. I spend many days wishing I could've ended up with a girl who could be my best friend. Someone I could lean on and have there for me. Despite all of this, I consider myself lucky considering I've heard from other girls on campus that had roommates stealing their things, bringing boys in the room, or passing out drunk in the room. All is well so far, I guess.

After 2 weeks at school, I went home for the first time on labor day weekend. Words honestly can't describe how happy and excited I was to go home. Just to see the tiny town my college is in, in my rear view mirror as I drove home was a great feeling. I was headed back to civilization (aka the city). Home was different but the same. It looked the same and my family was all there but there were details that changed. I realized though nothing major had changed at home, it was all the little things I missed out on. I was so excited to pee with the door open and not have to walk 30 miles to take a shower at least for the weekend. I literally screamed and almost started crying when I saw my mom because I was taken back to that day, which to this day was the hardest day of my life, where I let her drive away and leave me in a foreign place with foreign people. I still don't know how I hugged my family goodbye and let them leave me, agreeing to a new way of life that would change my world forever. (I'm tearing up thinking about that day and how hard it still is for me) But as I was back home, everything was the same again. I felt like I could breathe. Like I could finally be around people that thought I was the world and cared where I was and what I had to say. That's one thing different about college... No one cares about you. Since I didn't come with any friends or anyone I knew, there was no one calling to see if I wanted to go eat at the dining hall with them or if I wanted to run to Wal- Mart (yes that's all there is in the god for saken town). Not a soul cared if I made it to class or got anything to eat that night. That scared me. It still does. At home everyone cares and it will always be where I go back to.

The weekend after labor day weekend was when Sorority Recruitment started. This is what I had been waiting for. I'd been telling myself since the beginning of school, that this is how I will make my friends and find my place. That weekend was the most fun I've had at school so far, and all it consisted of was going to little timed parties with the 5 sororities on my campus over and over again. On the final night, Pref night, I put Alpha Sigma Alpha as my top choice. I didn't have to think twice about it. They stuck out to me. They looked like girls I could grow amongst and be apart of. They supported things I believe in and appreciated me. Bid Day came, and as I suspected it would, my card was an invitation to Alpha Sigma Alpha. I was overjoyed and couldn't be happier. The Rush process was bliss for me. I never was cut from anyone I liked and made a ton of friends throughout the process. Many of the friends I made joined other sororities but now I have another face in the crowd I know heading to class. The older disaffiliated sorority girls that helped us through the process were amazing and one of my leaders turned out to be an Alpha as well. We had a good evening getting to know each other once all the Bid Day pictures had been taken and I was overwhelmed by all of the girls and their duties to Alpha. That night there was a meeting in the chapter room, they told us all of the rules and obligations we now have. There were things like Chapter meetings, point systems, standards, committees, mixers, and homecoming hours we'd have to put in and I was trying to take it all in slowly. I started to feel anxious and uneasy and began to worry if I'd done the right thing. Not if I'd joined the right sorority but if I should have joined a sorority at all. They were talking about things that scared me. As I sat there and I was overwhelmed all in one day by time commitments, and new people and parties, I couldn't help but think of my family and my sister, whom I promised I would be home that weekend to see. Sure it was only Monday night but I couldn't wait to see them. It had been 2 weeks. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes and I was so frustrated with myself for crying when I'd gotten exactly what I wanted. I'd chosen Alpha. I quietly asked if this party was required only to find out it wasn't, like any social event. I didn't want to come across anti social to these new girls but also couldn't stand waiting another whole week to see my family... And the idea of a party in no way appeals to me. Everyone was totally fine with it and that Friday my mom took the day off of work and offered to drive an hour and a half to pick me up. Not only did it make my day but it made my week. The weekend was great and I got 13 hours of sleep one night which was the best I think I've slept since my infant years. Going back was harder now than it was Labor Day weekend and I don't know why. More obligations maybe? I'm still not sure. The feelings I've been having this week haven't necessarily been homesickness but rather loneliness I believe. I just long for someone to care what is going on with me and want to spend time with me. I miss having that person who is always willing to hear how your day went.

My classes are good and I'm working really hard to keep up in them. I tell myself not every grade will be perfect because I'm not perfect but I'm doing the best I can so far. I have to give a speech on Thursday and public speaking always gives me hella anxiety. I'm a pretty well spoken person but I lose all knowledge of how to speak like a human when I'm in front of people. Wish me luck.

I've made a lot of little mistakes on the way. Mistakes that I'm sure every other college freshman has made plenty of themselves. I've felt stupid and naive on more than one occasion but I try to cut myself a break and think of all the things I've accomplished already. I didn't think I could figure out college. (How to get apply, get in, pay for it) but I have. I didn't think I could leave my family but I have. I didn't think I would be able to make it through days without crying, but I have. I didn't think I could get good grades on things, but I have. I didn't think I could Rush all alone, but I did. I've done so much already that I need no forget to give myself credit for. And I encourage you, no matter where you are in your life, to never forget to give yourself credit for the things you were scared of and have now accomplished.

If you've made it to the end of this, thank you thank you thank you. I hope my experiences can help you in some little way. I can't wait to look back on this and remember the way I felt right now. Maybe I'll look back and remember silly old freshman me. I'm positive that I'll still be me though. I'll always be me.

If you ever need an ear, someone to tell a joke to, or maybe some advice, my tumblr ask box is always open.

Take care of yourself and others,

xoxo glitteronmynails

1 Month Till College

The funny thing about summer and life in general is that is goes so much faster than we anticipate it to. This summer in particular though, is one I knew would go fast. As of today, I have exactly 1 month until I move into college. True, I'm only going an hour and a half away but I don't think I've ever been more scared for anything in my entire life. 

College was something I had to warm up to. It wasn't that I was IN LOVE with high school and never wanted to leave, but it was familiar and easy. I knew everyone and I know my hometown like the back of my hand. In many ways, high school is what initiated this fear of college I have. They told us how hard it would be and that unless you had a 4.0, took every AP class, and aced your ACTs, you didn't even have a chance of getting in. 
Literally the most untrue thing in the world. 

Around October of my senior year, I realized that college was a concept I was going to have to get serious about. I had started looking into schools and thinking about what I wanted out of school. I quickly came to the conclusion that despite my love for my home and all things familiar, going away would serve to be good for me. In high school, I was a little bit of a nomad. I had lots of friends from all over the place. But not one solid group of best friends. I didn't make any real friends until the last semester of high school. Thinking back on it now, I learned so much about myself from being "friendless". I didn't challenge myself or really step out of my comfort zone. I assumed no one wanted to talk to me, so I didn't speak. It wasn't until I just talked and voiced my thoughts, that I realized if you talk, people will listen. People have no clue who you are or what you're about to say, so say it and work it out afterwards. High school was great. It was an amazing opportunity to learn about myself and an early reminder of how fast 4 years really does go. Opening up to people was the best thing I ever did for myself. 

I wasn't really considering the school I ultimately chose until senior year when an employee of my mom's encouraged me to look into there, as that was her alma mater. We went on a visit and I decided that it was right for me. Not too big, not too small and close enough to home. I applied, got in, got my paperwork done, went to orientation, bought some dorm essentials, and here I am, with a month to go, in a completely different place in my life than I was at this time last year. And as I think about it, I'll probably be saying that exact same thing next year. It's funny how life doesn't change until one day it does. 

I hope I can succeed. I really do believe I can. I want to find a part of me that can excel academically in the path I have chosen and a part of me that can thrive socially, like I never really have before. I want to open up and let people see me and all that I have to offer. 

I know that being away from home will kill me and that leaving my family, the people that know me more than anyone, will be the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I know there will be days I miss my full sized bed, my own bathroom, and my sister. I will miss my mom making food for me whenever I want it and her rubbing my back after a long day. Sitting here right now, tears growing in my eyes, I think about this moment and how it seemed so far off for so long. I can see me as a little girl, thinking about college, not knowing at all what I was going to do and I'm so proud of myself. So proud that I've brought myself this far. I deserve it. 

Part of me can't wait for college. 

I can't wait for the friends I'm going to make, and for my cute little dorm room, and for my college student chic outfits (sweatpants lol). I can't wait for sorority rush and to get gifts from my big and little t-shirts with greek letters. I can't wait to get my first A, or to meet someone who will make me smile bigger than I've ever smiled before. I can't wait to drive home for the weekend or a holiday and see my mom and dad and see how much my sister has grown up. I know I will feel so blessed and excited and I will cherish the time I have with them even more. It scares me to think that the only life I've ever know will continue to exist without me and that my sister is going to grow up and experience things that I won't be there for. She's never not had me there for her, but I hope she still tells me everything. 

Maybe this is the change I need. My life has been this road of things that never change. I always complained that nothing ever changes for me. This year I will make things change. I will be positive. I will be driven.

An Open Letter to Boys, Guys, and Men

Us girls, we're not that complex. Honestly, we're more like you that you may think. We're not perfect and each of us knows it. We're gross and weird and we confuse you. We do most things for unexplainable reasons. Truth be told, girls are simple. Like you guys, we're human and are all after the happiness and bliss we've only heard about. 

First off, never ask a girl for her number over social media. Especially if that's the only way you know her. Do not leave a girl a DM on twitter telling her she "pretty cute" and that you want her to "hit you up sometime." If your girl knows whats good for her, she isn't a fan of being called cute. Puppies are cute, babies are cute, your grandma's cute. If this girl was enough to catch your attention, she must be stunning. Tell her that. There isn't a more insincere way to ask a girl for her phone number than leaving her a message on social media. Not only does this not require any social interaction, but she can't hear you say it. Just to hear you ask her for her number will make her smile and endear you to her even more. Charming the girl is half the battle. 

When you find that you do want to talk to her, don't text her. Typed out messages where each letter is digital and identical means nothing in the grand scheme of things. (I must laugh at the irony in that statement as I write a blog post). The long "heartfelt" text messages that girls lust over is bullshit. Anyone can type. Typed words aren't to be trusted. You could have copied and pasted that. If you want to tell her how beautiful you think she is when she's doing what she loves and how you like the way she still counts on her fingers. Tell her how she caught your attention and look her in the eyes that you find so hypnotizing when you tell her this. Tell her that you're lucky to have her around. Let her know that you're just lucky to have her company. Sometimes it's refreshing to be with a guy that isn't always checking you out and trying to pull a move every time he sees you. Learn to appreciate her mind and voice. I would rather spend my night recalling what your voice sounded like when we laughed together than read over your mindless messages that you ended with a generic haha. 

Believe it or not, girls are born to be worriers. She's worried about her grades, friends, appearance, reputation all the time. Like you, she's trying to be the best for everybody. She'll wear a dress and you'll admire how beautiful she looks in it, but she'll sit there pulling at it all day still unsure if she looks okay. Most girls have had to ignore a catcall or something of that nature at least once in her life. There is nothing that can make you more uncomfortable that unwanted suggestive comments. 
Please never ever ever say or do anything sexual or suggestive to a girl without her consent. You will ruin her day and she'll never forget it. And despite what the a-holes of the world think, it is in no way taken as a compliment. If you think a girl is sexy, you better ask her on a date and leave her flowers at her door every night. You better work for it. Guys want it easy. Don't be the guy that wants so much out of a girl but doesn't work at it. Your girl will want to if you approach it right. No girl is an item and never forget that you wouldn't be on this earth if it weren't for the selflessness of a woman. 

Never make fun of or mock a girl on her period. Period jokes are for girls and stay between girls. We can joke about it because we're the ones that have our inner organs bleed out for a week straight. When this starts to be a thing with you, you're more than welcome to join in on the jokes but in the meantime, I better not hear you utter a foul word about whether a girl is or is not on her period. She'll cry for no reason and probably be very irritable but she 100% can't help it so stop acting like she can. PMS is a weird thing and it sucks. She knows. Periods feel like the devil is inside of you and is killing you from the inside out by taking your lower body organs and wrapping them around themselves. Some girls pass out it gets so bad. Monthly. It's hell and if your girl asks you to go buy her some tampons, you do it. There's no need to be embarrassed, good lord. People know they're not for you so don't even go down that path. Buying a girl feminine supplies is one of the most overrated and kindest things a man can do for a woman.

Every girl wants love. They want that person who makes life bearable and worth it. That person who makes her feel less alone. 
Please be that person for her. Be the one who will tell the same joke over and over just because you like the way her eyes light up when she giggles at it. Memorize her favorite coffee order and she'll memorize yours. Ask her about her life and her parents and what her best friend is like. Ask her how she grew up. Let yourself wonder how she came to be this person you find so admirable.  Ask her about her hard times and what scares her the most. Ask her what her favorite smell is and let her tell you the story of how she broke her arm when she was seven. Ask her what her favorite song is and listen to it. It could be the worst song in the world but it matters to her. Figure out why. 

Spend time wondering about her. 
There is so much unexplored. 
Every girl has a thousand untold stories. 

Teach her and she will teach you. Show her the things you love and let her fall in love with your passion for college basketball or rock music. Make her eat flaming hot nachos just for your own amusement. Make that a day you'll remember forever. Don't be afraid to tell her what you're afraid of that you're not very good at math. Don't change because she actually does like the way you're never perfect because neither is she. Fall in love with someone who laughs at the same things you do and never stop trying to make her smile. She'll probably always be a little bit of a mystery to you but be consistent for her and you'll be all each other ever needs. 

Let her become your best friend. The one you want. 
Soon you'll start to see yourself in her and you'll smile because now you're apart of her story and she's apart of yours. 

Let her be her and love her for it and I promise once you understand that any girl wants is sincerity and someone who will look up from his phone long enough to hold the door for her, you will find her. 

You'll know her when you see her. 

Loneliness, Tests and Tumblr

Do you ever just feel like you're stopped?
Like the whole world is moving on and making memories and experiencing things and you're just... not.

Sometimes I feel so alone that it exhausts me.
I can't fathom being loved by another.
I can't imagine being looked at and admired for being 100% me.
No one has ever liked me.

I like me.
Why doesn't anyone else.

I have to take another silly standardized test tomorrow that is going to supposedly tell me how fit I am to receive academic benefits from some college. Based on my last score of a test of this nature, I have no where to go but up.

Standardize tests really irritate me.
Like, how dare you tell me, based on four hours of tedious shifting in plastic chairs under fluorescent lights, how well I will succeed in college and eventually, life?


All in all, they just give me high amounts of anxiety, which I definitely don't need more of.

I'm becoming concerned for said test, because I am currently experiencing the worst back/stomach ache of my life and I'm having feelings associated with passing out.
Thankfully, I'm laying in my mess of a bed in my mess of a room, so if I do pass out, I'll just doze off.
Until 6:30 am, that is. (my wake up time for said dreaded test)

I've had quite a few days off lately, mostly due to a large snowstorm. These days off have given me the chance to become acquainted with a new Netflix show. My most recent favorite has been "New Girl". It's typically on FOX on Tuesdays I believe, and it's such a great show. Genuine humor, great story lines, and loveable characters. AKA everything I love in a TV show. Highly recommend. I'm only about halfway through season 2, but I'm catching up. I think season 3 is currently on TV now.

Over my days off, I've downloaded some new music.
 Side note: When I say "new music", I mean new to me. It could be from 2006. Who knows. Not me.

Funny thing, all of my new songs happen to be Ed Sheeran songs. I couldn't love him more plus there is no relationship that I ship more than Sweeran (Taylor Swift + Ed Sheeran)

A few of my faves

"Firefly"
"Gold Rush"
"Tenerife Sea" (This is supposedly his song for Taylor) awwww

Basically, Ed Sheeran's songs have the power to make me wish I was in a relationship where someone would sing about how my lips taste like strawberries and how my hair falls on my shoulders.

Naturally, no matter how many compliments on my long blonde hair I get, I am yet again, invisible.

Tumblr is one of my few pleasures these days.
I have to have some time on it each day. It calms me down.
It gives me hope.
I think it reminds me of all I love about love and all the things I want for my life.

If you're not familiar with my Tumblr, here's the link.

http://glitteronmynail.tumblr.com

*shameless promotion never gets old haha

It's funny because I am hardly on Instagram but I'm on Tumblr 24/7. I guess I care more about the things I love in life than some sophomore's #SelfieSunday.

I've been rather rambly throughout this post but a good ramble is good for you from time to time.
I hope you all are well, and if you've made it this far in my post thank you so much and I'm glad one person cares about my bizarre thoughts.

If you have any bizarre thoughts of your own, feel free to leave them in the comments, my tumblr ask box.

I'd love to hear, and I find the lives of others intriguing, so please share.

Take a deep breath and enjoy the weekend.

i love you guys

XOXO