Lately I've been thinking.
Mostly about what in store for me in the future. I spend a lot of time wondering about the future and if I'm going to be any different of a person then than I am now.
When I was younger, I would think about high school and picture a more grown up version of myself, driving around, with a million friends and the most gorgeous boyfriend.
That time has come and is now, close to ending and not a lot has happen for me. No boyfriend. Not a lot of friends. Not a lot of change.
I've never been a "scene" chaser. I don't care what the popular kids are doing or where the next party is at. I don't listen to the same music as everyone else and I like being alone.
Maybe that's why I always am alone.
I get tired of being alone though. Sometimes it's nice to be able to lie in your bed all by yourself all night, and browse the internet, and watch movies, and wear your hair messy. It's nice not to worry about anybody else. I've always hated worrying about what other people think.
Sometimes though, I think that it would be kinda fun to go out and maybe do something fun with someone cool. Like, it doesn't even have to be a date.
Things like that scare me to death. I've always been afraid of what I don't know... Some say that's a trait of first born children.
Then, as I'm sitting in my room, lonely, I wonder why I can't have somebody. I don't always have to look perfect for them. Why can't we just sit around, watching movies together, not caring about anything than spending time with one another? Why can't I find that?
Why can't I find someone who just wants to be with me? Just in the most innocent way possible.
I want someone to love me for my mind and my opinions. I want someone to want to make me laugh and to write me things they know will make me smile.
I want to not care what I do around them, and not have to form myself to be someone they'll want to spend time with. I want to be intriguing and confident.
I already am though.
I want someone to notice it.
Friday, November 15, 2013
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
How "One Tree Hill" Changed my Life
I was seven years old when One Tree Hill first aired. I had no idea such a thing existed. My life was consumed with many different things than the newest TV drama at that age. It wasn't until 9 years later, September of 2012 that I turned on Netflix looking for a good show to start. I flipped through the shows and saw One Tree Hill. I remember seeing ads for it around 2007 in some magazines I'd read. I'd always noticed Chad Michael Murray was in and what girl doesn't love him? I gave it a try. By the first episode, I was already dying to see what was going to happen with this show. Knowing ahead of time, that there were 187 episodes and 9 seasons intrigued me. I had to know what kept it going for so long.
It was a couple weeks before I watched another episode. By this time it was around November and I was halfway through season 1. At the beginning of December, I went on a trip with my family, to stay in a cabin in the middle of the woods for four days. Having no TV, and just our cell phones for entertainment, I picked up on OTH again, via my Netflix app. That was the moment I truly fell in love.
That was when I realized what Naley truly was and the love and potential there was, and when I saw all that Lucas could grow to be. I saw a spark in that show that kept me going. In the four days I was on my trip, I watched the rest of season 1 and all of season 2. I could already tell this show had an indescribable depth to it that no other show I'd seen had.
Upon returning home from my trip, I didn't get a lot of time to watch OTH but I wanted to. It wasn't until I went back to the cabin for spring break in March, where I picked it back up again. I watched it the whole week. After returning home, I woke up in the morning excited to watch it. As geeky as it sounds, Nathan, Haley, Brooke, Lucas, and Peyton were my friends. I looked forward to seeing them and to seeing how their lives changed. As soon as I got home from school, I set up for my OTH time. I would have two spoon-fulls of Nutella and settle down. It was when the world was still. I found peace in that. I could watch two episodes before I had to leave to pick my sister up from her cheer practice. I liked that limit. Two was a good amount of episodes, because I wanted to make them last. After all, there are only 187.
I learned all the songs, and fell in love with the cast, and had my favorite quote. I'm still upset that I didn't catch on to this show sooner.
Summer came, and I was on the last three seasons. I went back to my family's cabin and was immediately taken back to the nights I spent falling in love with a little show. The show ended and I cried. They were happy tears because as I watched episode 13 of season 9, I saw there wishing and hoping that I too, someday, could have the type of love and friendship in my life that my favorite group of friends from Tree Hill, North Carolina have.
My favorite thing about the show is the story. It all started about fathers. Being one and having one. We started our story about a son with no father, and a son who had a father but didn't feel like it. We ended our story with a father so good, so loving, so gracious and a son who thrived off of the love he felt from his father.
Brooke Davis is a character, who alone, changed my life. Brooke wasn't perfect. I think that somewhere along the line, we all hated Brooke. My Brooke hating time was around season 2 when she had Lucas and was essentially stealing him from Peyton (I was always a Leyton fan). But somewhere, and I can't remember where, I fell in love with Brooke. I fell in love with how good of a friend she was because at that time in my life, I was dying for a friend like that. I loved Brooke's passion and wit and how she wasn't afraid of anything. If she wanted it, she would get it. I loved how Brooke wasn't afraid to cry because at the end of the day, she had gone through so much. I think each of us saw a little bit of ourselves in Brooke. It wasn't until season 5, when I believe Brooke's character really developed. She was a savvy business woman who has a strong head and good morals... Which is everything I aspire to be. When Julian came into the picture for Brooke, she was changed so developed from the party girl she was in high school (seasons 1-4).
I love the line:
This show has made me laugh, cry, and dream and I still eat Nutella, and am reminded my Junior year of high school, sitting in my basement sobbing through episodes of OTH. This show has showed my favorite songs and given me wisdom that someday, when the time comes, my life will turn out okay.
Some of my favorite songs that I've found through OTH are as follows:
"I Don't Wanna Be" - Gavin Degraw (It's the theme song and basically the anthem to life)
"Missing You" - Tyler Hilton (One of the most fun to sing songs when you're super emotional)
"Blue Skies" - Strays Don't Sleep
"More than Anyone" - Gavin Degraw (Naley.. always and forever)
"Loaded Gun" - Tyler Hilton (A crazy fun song)
"You'll Ask for Me" - Tyler Hilton (Everyone's thoughts on being accepted. This song was also in the Honey Grove episode which was one of my favorites)
+ SO MANY MORE.
Episode I cried the hardest in: 7x18
I loved the portrayal of Lydia's relationship with the girls, and the girl's relationships with each other despite their different lives. They came together just like little girls again to be with their mom in a hard time. It was beautiful.
I don't think I could ever capture the love I have for this show but I tried.
Thank you so much for reading
"There is only one Tree Hill... and it's your home"
It was a couple weeks before I watched another episode. By this time it was around November and I was halfway through season 1. At the beginning of December, I went on a trip with my family, to stay in a cabin in the middle of the woods for four days. Having no TV, and just our cell phones for entertainment, I picked up on OTH again, via my Netflix app. That was the moment I truly fell in love.
That was when I realized what Naley truly was and the love and potential there was, and when I saw all that Lucas could grow to be. I saw a spark in that show that kept me going. In the four days I was on my trip, I watched the rest of season 1 and all of season 2. I could already tell this show had an indescribable depth to it that no other show I'd seen had.
Upon returning home from my trip, I didn't get a lot of time to watch OTH but I wanted to. It wasn't until I went back to the cabin for spring break in March, where I picked it back up again. I watched it the whole week. After returning home, I woke up in the morning excited to watch it. As geeky as it sounds, Nathan, Haley, Brooke, Lucas, and Peyton were my friends. I looked forward to seeing them and to seeing how their lives changed. As soon as I got home from school, I set up for my OTH time. I would have two spoon-fulls of Nutella and settle down. It was when the world was still. I found peace in that. I could watch two episodes before I had to leave to pick my sister up from her cheer practice. I liked that limit. Two was a good amount of episodes, because I wanted to make them last. After all, there are only 187.
I learned all the songs, and fell in love with the cast, and had my favorite quote. I'm still upset that I didn't catch on to this show sooner.
Summer came, and I was on the last three seasons. I went back to my family's cabin and was immediately taken back to the nights I spent falling in love with a little show. The show ended and I cried. They were happy tears because as I watched episode 13 of season 9, I saw there wishing and hoping that I too, someday, could have the type of love and friendship in my life that my favorite group of friends from Tree Hill, North Carolina have.
My favorite thing about the show is the story. It all started about fathers. Being one and having one. We started our story about a son with no father, and a son who had a father but didn't feel like it. We ended our story with a father so good, so loving, so gracious and a son who thrived off of the love he felt from his father.
Brooke Davis is a character, who alone, changed my life. Brooke wasn't perfect. I think that somewhere along the line, we all hated Brooke. My Brooke hating time was around season 2 when she had Lucas and was essentially stealing him from Peyton (I was always a Leyton fan). But somewhere, and I can't remember where, I fell in love with Brooke. I fell in love with how good of a friend she was because at that time in my life, I was dying for a friend like that. I loved Brooke's passion and wit and how she wasn't afraid of anything. If she wanted it, she would get it. I loved how Brooke wasn't afraid to cry because at the end of the day, she had gone through so much. I think each of us saw a little bit of ourselves in Brooke. It wasn't until season 5, when I believe Brooke's character really developed. She was a savvy business woman who has a strong head and good morals... Which is everything I aspire to be. When Julian came into the picture for Brooke, she was changed so developed from the party girl she was in high school (seasons 1-4).
I love the line:
"My heart aches at how my life turned out... in a good way"No better line could have summed up Brooke's life and how I someday wish for mine to be.
This show has made me laugh, cry, and dream and I still eat Nutella, and am reminded my Junior year of high school, sitting in my basement sobbing through episodes of OTH. This show has showed my favorite songs and given me wisdom that someday, when the time comes, my life will turn out okay.
Some of my favorite songs that I've found through OTH are as follows:
"I Don't Wanna Be" - Gavin Degraw (It's the theme song and basically the anthem to life)
"Missing You" - Tyler Hilton (One of the most fun to sing songs when you're super emotional)
"Blue Skies" - Strays Don't Sleep
"More than Anyone" - Gavin Degraw (Naley.. always and forever)
"Loaded Gun" - Tyler Hilton (A crazy fun song)
"You'll Ask for Me" - Tyler Hilton (Everyone's thoughts on being accepted. This song was also in the Honey Grove episode which was one of my favorites)
+ SO MANY MORE.
Episode I cried the hardest in: 7x18
I loved the portrayal of Lydia's relationship with the girls, and the girl's relationships with each other despite their different lives. They came together just like little girls again to be with their mom in a hard time. It was beautiful.
I don't think I could ever capture the love I have for this show but I tried.
Thank you so much for reading
"There is only one Tree Hill... and it's your home"
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
High School & Turning Eighteen
Everything about high school makes me wanna give up. Being stuck in such a small area of the world is suffocating. I want to do what I want to do, and be done with the rest. There's nothing about these people I'm surrounded with that will matter to me in time, and I can't stand being judged and inhibited by such little things. I want to immerse myself if love and life and the people I love. I'm sick of sitting in class worrying about little things like people and worksheets. I crave a freedom that is difficult to obtain so young. College will be good for me. It scares me to death but I know that it will help me become something bigger than a high school girl. I want to be complex and intelligent. I want to surround myself with new people that make me laugh and remind me of the things I love. The truth is I'm scared of growing up and I'm scared of leaving the one life I know. I'm scared of always facing the world alone and I'm tired of hiding behind what everyone wants me to be. I don't know where I'll be this time next year. I don't know how I'm going to get there. I'll be 18 in a week and I don't know how I feel about that. Being an adult. I've never been an adult before.
I've been a little girl, spinning around in her new dress alone in her bedroom and I've sat on my mother's lap as she braided my hair. I've been 10, 11, and 12. I've been to middle school, and I've been scared out of my mind starting high school. All through that time, I've thought about what it would be like to be an adult. 18. What if I'm not good at it? Then again, once I turn 18, I'll be no different than I am at 17. I'll still come to school and deal with the same idiots everyday and stress about the same stupid projects. That's what I mean about being stuck. I am an adult who is now capable of turning my life into something, yet here I am. Stuck. Alone. Dying to get out. Ready to Move on.
There was a quote in my all time favorite show One Tree Hill that put the feeling of growing up into words perfectly.
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I've been a little girl, spinning around in her new dress alone in her bedroom and I've sat on my mother's lap as she braided my hair. I've been 10, 11, and 12. I've been to middle school, and I've been scared out of my mind starting high school. All through that time, I've thought about what it would be like to be an adult. 18. What if I'm not good at it? Then again, once I turn 18, I'll be no different than I am at 17. I'll still come to school and deal with the same idiots everyday and stress about the same stupid projects. That's what I mean about being stuck. I am an adult who is now capable of turning my life into something, yet here I am. Stuck. Alone. Dying to get out. Ready to Move on.
There was a quote in my all time favorite show One Tree Hill that put the feeling of growing up into words perfectly.
"It's the oldest story in the world. One day, you're 17 and planning for someday. And then quietly, and without you ever really noticing, someday is today, and then someday is yesterday, and this is your life"I'm so excited and scared to death.
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