Just the Beginning: A Freshman Year Reflection

In my mind, writing a blog post about the end of my freshman year of college is equally as important as studying for finals. There's worse things I could be doing.

To start, this year has flow by. I feel like as I grow older, I become more and more fascinated with how fast my life is going and how a school year is not nearly as long as it used to feel in elementary school. As I end this year in my life, I reflect on how this year has changed me and helped me grow. I never believed on move in day back in August that I would be here in my last week of freshman year. If college flies by anything like high school did, after freshman year is when time picks up and the last 3 years are a blur. This year I think I learned more about life and about myself that ever. Going away to school opened my eyes to a world I didn't know existed. I realized what a bubble I lived in (despite thinking I didn't). I lived in a world where everyone was like me, everyone had a lifestyle like me, and liked the same things as me. There were people different than me but I didn't know them really. Coming to school, I learned that nothing is going to get done unless I do it myself. A lot of that comes with my age too. I'm realizing that I'm almost 20 years old and it's time I stand up for myself and ask questions and schedule my own appointments.

This year I also experienced a sadness like I had never experienced before. I wasn't someone who spent their freshman year wide eyed at all the fun at my finger tips and all of the friends yet to make. I spent a lot of this year yearning for the life I had previously known, at home. That was one of the hardest things for me to accept; that my childhood and life as I knew it before this year was over. Things would never be the same. That scared me and I wasn't sure I was ready for that. I'm not ready to be an adult.

I don't think I can finish this year saying I had the time of my life. It was still school. I still stressed over tests, did my homework, and did what needed to be done. Some people come to college and fall in love. They love their school, their college town, they're in love with all the people they've met too. Maybe it's because I'm reserved or maybe it's because I'm just not a small town girl at heart but I didn't fall in love. I appreciate it but I don't love it. I found myself living weekend to weekend in my first semester, just dying to get home and spend a little time with people that know me, love me, and I can be myself around. I was itching for familiarity and my family. Having a horrible roommate didn't help. That's another thing I've learned that I severely underestimated: how big of an impact your roommate has on your college experience. I wanted to escape. By the end of the week I just needed out of this small town, out of the stuffy dorm room, and a breath from college. I'm not someone who likes being around people my own age for too long. I remember thinking that when I first came to school for orientation in the summer..... It's so weird how everyone here is my age.

There was a lot I didn't know and a lot I learned. Daily college life became a little easier and I began to figure out what I wanted out of my time here. I still don't fully know but I'm working on it little by little everyday.

Around January, after Christmas break was over, I diagnosed myself with a little something I call "The Post-Christmas Break Blues". It was about a month to a month and a half long period of extreme sadness for me. I contribute it to getting too reattached to home over break. I had just moved into a new dorm room, away from my awful old roommate, and into a new room down the hall. For a week, I lived in the new room alone before my new roommate was able to move in. Having it be the first week back and my first night in another new place all by myself put me in a bad place that it took me a long time to get out of. I began having bad anxiety attacks and woke up numerous nights either crying or scared of something unknown. I missed home and I missed the time that Christmas break had given me to be with my family. I worried so much.. Too much. I worried about everything. I worried about how I would grow up, if I was too attached to home, why everyone liked college except me, if I was living wrong, if I wasn't growing up fast enough, if I'm going to force myself to get left behind. I put an insane amount of pressure on myself to the point where I was crying everyday except for when I was in class and around people. I worked myself into such a bad place where I would have to call my mom or sister and have talk me out of these fits I was in. I realized that I have major anxiety levels and it will eat me alive if I don't learn to handle it. I still get hit with it a lot, mostly when I'm coming back to school. I've also had points where I've cried the entire drive home because I overwhelm myself with worry and doubt. I had never in my life been surrounded by so many people yet also never felt so alone. What brought me out of it more than anything else was putting my whole heart in my faith. It was when I realized that my mind should be filled with prayer and not anxiety and worry that my life got better. I still have to remind myself not to complain and to see the beauty. When life is ready to work itself out it will. In the meantime, I have people who love me, value me, and cherish me and those that don't, don't matter. Below are a few quotes that helped me get through this year~

"Everything you want is coming. Relax and let the universe pick up the timing and the way. You just need to trust that what you want is coming, and watch how fast it comes."

"Most of the stuff people worry about never happens"

 " God is working out something beautiful in the midst of your suffering."

"We grow at the rates of our own hearts" 

 As silly as it sounds, a lot of my sadness was cured when I started watching Parks and Recreation on Netflix. Little did I know there was this entire comedy TV show genre I had been depriving myself of on Netflix. After just one season, Leslie Knope and the entire Pawnee gang mended my heart a little bit.

I think people learn things in their Freshman year of college that is exactly what they needed to learn. Some learn that you shouldn't take 17 credit hours your first semester. Some learn that you probably shouldn't sleep with any guy who's down to get laid tonight. Some learn that you actually need to study for tests. As for me, I learned that it's okay to like what you're doing even if it doesn't feel like what you're suppose to be doing. Just because most college kids like to go get wasted and party and get drunk and you like to drink venti iced coffees, listen to unpopular music, and go to Nordstrom sales on Saturday doesn't mean you're living life wrong. Some people like to hide all of the things that scare them or that they're stressed about under countless cups of vodka and some people feel better after an evening of watching Saturday Night Live with your favorite ice cream.  People in college are not the same as you. They come from different places, have different values, and often times don't understand yours. I'm still trying to become so secure in myself, my lifestyle, and my choices to the point where no one can make me feel like I'm living my life wrong.

Coming to college was the scariest thing I could think of doing and I did it. I survived it and even enjoyed it at times. Am I in love with it? No. Could I learn to love it? Probably. I'm just working on enjoying the life I have and making the best out of the moment I'm in.

xoxo,
Allie

Spring Feelings

Hello again... Yes it's me. It feels like it's been 91 and a half years since I've blogged and somehow it also seems like it was yesterday. Now that I think about it, that's how most of my life has been feeling lately.
So I've finished my first semester of college and I don't necessarily know how I did it or if I even did it right I just know I did it. It wasn't easy but most of the struggles I had didn't happen in class. The first semester for me was all about figuring out where I fit and who I was going to be post-high school. It was a time of doing things by myself because that's all I had but also trying to make new friends. I focused on doing things for me and things that felt good. I tried to make good out of what felt bad and stay optimistic. I would say I was pretty good at it too. I made friends, established myself academically, and transitioned pretty well into typical college life. That's not to say I'm fully customed to college social culture because god knows every bone in me is filled with social awkwardness. Frankly, college parties gross me out. They're sleezy, sticky, and sweaty. The boys are drunk and looking for someone to grind and most girls are so emotionally unstable that they drown it in cheap limearitas they got their friend's boyfriend to buy them as they beg every girl they see to take a picture with them. Ah, the memories. Seeing that you can't exactly be a stick in the mud 24/7, I darkened the door of a couple frat parties, practically sober every time pretending to have a good time for a total of 4 hours until all of my less than sober friends decide to go back to our lousy freshman dorms. Yippee.

Needless to say I counted down the days until Christmas break. Once it finally came, I was in a state of bliss. I had a whole 31 days of my family, working, my own bed, and home. I could sleep in or not, shop, laugh with my sister, and forget about all the woes of school and the weirdness that is college life for just a small window of time. It was so refreshing that it made coming back a nightmare.

Second semester felt weird from the beginning. As soon as I got back to school, I immediately  contacted my residence hall director trying to get a room change and get away from my strange and rude roommate. I got a room change and at the first minute I could, dragged my stuff to the new room. I spent 3 nights in the new room by myself because my new roommate (who is one of my best friends and a sorority sister) couldn't move in until the end of the week. Those days were the worst days of the semester so far. I felt so sad and I had no idea why. I had just gotten what I wanted all of the first semester. I knew I was sad about break being over and feeling like college controlled my life and that I no longer had control of where I could spend my time and who with and where. I felt like I was doing absolutely everything wrong. I felt like my relationship with my parents was too strong and that that was a reason I hated being away from home. I blamed myself for being too reliant on the love they gave me. I worried I hadn't "sailed away" and lived a life outside of my family. I worried no one would ever love me and that I was incapable of a romantic relationship. I worked myself into the worst anxiety I had ever had and I couldn't seem to get myself to stop until I woke up with what must have been an anxiety attack. It just felt like I couldn't breathe and that my life was over and everything I'd done was wrong and that everything I'd ever wanted to do was doomed. I remember sitting in bed sobbing calling my mom. My mom talked me off a cliff that morning but I was still a bit of a wreck. I went home that weekend. I remember crying on the drive home. I got home and acted like everything was fine. I thought the anxiety would be lifted... I was home now. I realized that home didn't feel like it did the week before when I was on break. I also realized that I had a harder time transitioning and feeling okay second semester than I did first. I ended up sobbing talking to my parents about my worries and troubles and they talked me through everything. I've been journaling and trying to do more things that make me not worry as much. It's not easy and occasionally it comes back. I'm praying more now than I used to as well. I've always been a prayer but I feel closer to God now. More trusting. It's amazing how much pressure you can take off of yourself when you know someone is helping you through everything.

One of the things that has been getting me through has been Parks and Recreation. Yes, it sounds silly that a TV show has impacted me but it truly has. I saw a couple people tweet about it in addition to some of my favorite girly bloggers on tumblr raving about it. I couldn't understand what the fascination could be with a show called Parks and Recreation... It sounded weird. Truth be told, it is weird. Somehow it is just what I needed. It keeps me up at night giggling and make me feel more okay about my life and the world. It makes me believe that there are good things in store for me and restores my sense of laughter and fun that I sometimes feel like I miss when I'm at school. College students tend to lack in quick wit and silliness. They tend to lean their humor towards the vulgar and crude side.... Which tends not to always be my taste. In many ways, I see myself in the characters, like every Parks and Rec fan. I'm only on the 4th season but I've never felt more at home in Pawnee. If you haven't watched it, I couldn't recommend it more to any comedy loving person.

I'm hoping for a good finish to my freshman year. I have no idea where the time has gone. Sometimes it feels like this has been an eternity and sometimes it feels like it's been a week. Often times these days, I find myself thinking a lot about time. Like how I don't want to get older and how I don't feel the age I am. I try to remind myself that I've never felt the age I am and that's just me. I'm not like everyone else and I've never really felt like anyone else. Maybe that's okay. I try to stay optimistic and focused. I suppose it will all make sense someday.

xoxo
Allie