In my mind, writing a blog post about the end of my freshman year of college is equally as important as studying for finals. There's worse things I could be doing.
To start, this year has flow by. I feel like as I grow older, I become more and more fascinated with how fast my life is going and how a school year is not nearly as long as it used to feel in elementary school. As I end this year in my life, I reflect on how this year has changed me and helped me grow. I never believed on move in day back in August that I would be here in my last week of freshman year. If college flies by anything like high school did, after freshman year is when time picks up and the last 3 years are a blur. This year I think I learned more about life and about myself that ever. Going away to school opened my eyes to a world I didn't know existed. I realized what a bubble I lived in (despite thinking I didn't). I lived in a world where everyone was like me, everyone had a lifestyle like me, and liked the same things as me. There were people different than me but I didn't know them really. Coming to school, I learned that nothing is going to get done unless I do it myself. A lot of that comes with my age too. I'm realizing that I'm almost 20 years old and it's time I stand up for myself and ask questions and schedule my own appointments.
This year I also experienced a sadness like I had never experienced before. I wasn't someone who spent their freshman year wide eyed at all the fun at my finger tips and all of the friends yet to make. I spent a lot of this year yearning for the life I had previously known, at home. That was one of the hardest things for me to accept; that my childhood and life as I knew it before this year was over. Things would never be the same. That scared me and I wasn't sure I was ready for that. I'm not ready to be an adult.
I don't think I can finish this year saying I had the time of my life. It was still school. I still stressed over tests, did my homework, and did what needed to be done. Some people come to college and fall in love. They love their school, their college town, they're in love with all the people they've met too. Maybe it's because I'm reserved or maybe it's because I'm just not a small town girl at heart but I didn't fall in love. I appreciate it but I don't love it. I found myself living weekend to weekend in my first semester, just dying to get home and spend a little time with people that know me, love me, and I can be myself around. I was itching for familiarity and my family. Having a horrible roommate didn't help. That's another thing I've learned that I severely underestimated: how big of an impact your roommate has on your college experience. I wanted to escape. By the end of the week I just needed out of this small town, out of the stuffy dorm room, and a breath from college. I'm not someone who likes being around people my own age for too long. I remember thinking that when I first came to school for orientation in the summer..... It's so weird how everyone here is my age.
There was a lot I didn't know and a lot I learned. Daily college life became a little easier and I began to figure out what I wanted out of my time here. I still don't fully know but I'm working on it little by little everyday.
Around January, after Christmas break was over, I diagnosed myself with a little something I call "The Post-Christmas Break Blues". It was about a month to a month and a half long period of extreme sadness for me. I contribute it to getting too reattached to home over break. I had just moved into a new dorm room, away from my awful old roommate, and into a new room down the hall. For a week, I lived in the new room alone before my new roommate was able to move in. Having it be the first week back and my first night in another new place all by myself put me in a bad place that it took me a long time to get out of. I began having bad anxiety attacks and woke up numerous nights either crying or scared of something unknown. I missed home and I missed the time that Christmas break had given me to be with my family. I worried so much.. Too much. I worried about everything. I worried about how I would grow up, if I was too attached to home, why everyone liked college except me, if I was living wrong, if I wasn't growing up fast enough, if I'm going to force myself to get left behind. I put an insane amount of pressure on myself to the point where I was crying everyday except for when I was in class and around people. I worked myself into such a bad place where I would have to call my mom or sister and have talk me out of these fits I was in. I realized that I have major anxiety levels and it will eat me alive if I don't learn to handle it. I still get hit with it a lot, mostly when I'm coming back to school. I've also had points where I've cried the entire drive home because I overwhelm myself with worry and doubt. I had never in my life been surrounded by so many people yet also never felt so alone. What brought me out of it more than anything else was putting my whole heart in my faith. It was when I realized that my mind should be filled with prayer and not anxiety and worry that my life got better. I still have to remind myself not to complain and to see the beauty. When life is ready to work itself out it will. In the meantime, I have people who love me, value me, and cherish me and those that don't, don't matter. Below are a few quotes that helped me get through this year~
"Everything you want is coming. Relax and let the universe pick up the timing and the way. You just need to trust that what you want is coming, and watch how fast it comes."
"Most of the stuff people worry about never happens"
" God is working out something beautiful in the midst of your suffering."
"We grow at the rates of our own hearts"
As silly as it sounds, a lot of my sadness was cured when I started watching Parks and Recreation on Netflix. Little did I know there was this entire comedy TV show genre I had been depriving myself of on Netflix. After just one season, Leslie Knope and the entire Pawnee gang mended my heart a little bit.
I think people learn things in their Freshman year of college that is exactly what they needed to learn. Some learn that you shouldn't take 17 credit hours your first semester. Some learn that you probably shouldn't sleep with any guy who's down to get laid tonight. Some learn that you actually need to study for tests. As for me, I learned that it's okay to like what you're doing even if it doesn't feel like what you're suppose to be doing. Just because most college kids like to go get wasted and party and get drunk and you like to drink venti iced coffees, listen to unpopular music, and go to Nordstrom sales on Saturday doesn't mean you're living life wrong. Some people like to hide all of the things that scare them or that they're stressed about under countless cups of vodka and some people feel better after an evening of watching Saturday Night Live with your favorite ice cream. People in college are not the same as you. They come from different places, have different values, and often times don't understand yours. I'm still trying to become so secure in myself, my lifestyle, and my choices to the point where no one can make me feel like I'm living my life wrong.
Coming to college was the scariest thing I could think of doing and I did it. I survived it and even enjoyed it at times. Am I in love with it? No. Could I learn to love it? Probably. I'm just working on enjoying the life I have and making the best out of the moment I'm in.
xoxo,
Allie
