Hello beautiful person who for some miraculous reason is reading this,
I recently started college and that has been a huge change for me. I moved in a little less than a month ago to a school an hour and a half away from my beautiful home city with a complete stranger. I've been doing a lot better than I ever imagined I would be honestly. I've met a lot of people and started building relationships but most importantly, started to establish a healthy amount of independence.
My roommate and I are total opposites. She's from a small town and I'm from a big city. She smokes and drinks. I do neither. She looks down on "spoiled rich kids" and I'm very privileged. We get along but I do feel very lonely. I spend many days wishing I could've ended up with a girl who could be my best friend. Someone I could lean on and have there for me. Despite all of this, I consider myself lucky considering I've heard from other girls on campus that had roommates stealing their things, bringing boys in the room, or passing out drunk in the room. All is well so far, I guess.
After 2 weeks at school, I went home for the first time on labor day weekend. Words honestly can't describe how happy and excited I was to go home. Just to see the tiny town my college is in, in my rear view mirror as I drove home was a great feeling. I was headed back to civilization (aka the city). Home was different but the same. It looked the same and my family was all there but there were details that changed. I realized though nothing major had changed at home, it was all the little things I missed out on. I was so excited to pee with the door open and not have to walk 30 miles to take a shower at least for the weekend. I literally screamed and almost started crying when I saw my mom because I was taken back to that day, which to this day was the hardest day of my life, where I let her drive away and leave me in a foreign place with foreign people. I still don't know how I hugged my family goodbye and let them leave me, agreeing to a new way of life that would change my world forever. (I'm tearing up thinking about that day and how hard it still is for me) But as I was back home, everything was the same again. I felt like I could breathe. Like I could finally be around people that thought I was the world and cared where I was and what I had to say. That's one thing different about college... No one cares about you. Since I didn't come with any friends or anyone I knew, there was no one calling to see if I wanted to go eat at the dining hall with them or if I wanted to run to Wal- Mart (yes that's all there is in the god for saken town). Not a soul cared if I made it to class or got anything to eat that night. That scared me. It still does. At home everyone cares and it will always be where I go back to.
The weekend after labor day weekend was when Sorority Recruitment started. This is what I had been waiting for. I'd been telling myself since the beginning of school, that this is how I will make my friends and find my place. That weekend was the most fun I've had at school so far, and all it consisted of was going to little timed parties with the 5 sororities on my campus over and over again. On the final night, Pref night, I put Alpha Sigma Alpha as my top choice. I didn't have to think twice about it. They stuck out to me. They looked like girls I could grow amongst and be apart of. They supported things I believe in and appreciated me. Bid Day came, and as I suspected it would, my card was an invitation to Alpha Sigma Alpha. I was overjoyed and couldn't be happier. The Rush process was bliss for me. I never was cut from anyone I liked and made a ton of friends throughout the process. Many of the friends I made joined other sororities but now I have another face in the crowd I know heading to class. The older disaffiliated sorority girls that helped us through the process were amazing and one of my leaders turned out to be an Alpha as well. We had a good evening getting to know each other once all the Bid Day pictures had been taken and I was overwhelmed by all of the girls and their duties to Alpha. That night there was a meeting in the chapter room, they told us all of the rules and obligations we now have. There were things like Chapter meetings, point systems, standards, committees, mixers, and homecoming hours we'd have to put in and I was trying to take it all in slowly. I started to feel anxious and uneasy and began to worry if I'd done the right thing. Not if I'd joined the right sorority but if I should have joined a sorority at all. They were talking about things that scared me. As I sat there and I was overwhelmed all in one day by time commitments, and new people and parties, I couldn't help but think of my family and my sister, whom I promised I would be home that weekend to see. Sure it was only Monday night but I couldn't wait to see them. It had been 2 weeks. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes and I was so frustrated with myself for crying when I'd gotten exactly what I wanted. I'd chosen Alpha. I quietly asked if this party was required only to find out it wasn't, like any social event. I didn't want to come across anti social to these new girls but also couldn't stand waiting another whole week to see my family... And the idea of a party in no way appeals to me. Everyone was totally fine with it and that Friday my mom took the day off of work and offered to drive an hour and a half to pick me up. Not only did it make my day but it made my week. The weekend was great and I got 13 hours of sleep one night which was the best I think I've slept since my infant years. Going back was harder now than it was Labor Day weekend and I don't know why. More obligations maybe? I'm still not sure. The feelings I've been having this week haven't necessarily been homesickness but rather loneliness I believe. I just long for someone to care what is going on with me and want to spend time with me. I miss having that person who is always willing to hear how your day went.
My classes are good and I'm working really hard to keep up in them. I tell myself not every grade will be perfect because I'm not perfect but I'm doing the best I can so far. I have to give a speech on Thursday and public speaking always gives me hella anxiety. I'm a pretty well spoken person but I lose all knowledge of how to speak like a human when I'm in front of people. Wish me luck.
I've made a lot of little mistakes on the way. Mistakes that I'm sure every other college freshman has made plenty of themselves. I've felt stupid and naive on more than one occasion but I try to cut myself a break and think of all the things I've accomplished already. I didn't think I could figure out college. (How to get apply, get in, pay for it) but I have. I didn't think I could leave my family but I have. I didn't think I would be able to make it through days without crying, but I have. I didn't think I could get good grades on things, but I have. I didn't think I could Rush all alone, but I did. I've done so much already that I need no forget to give myself credit for. And I encourage you, no matter where you are in your life, to never forget to give yourself credit for the things you were scared of and have now accomplished.
If you've made it to the end of this, thank you thank you thank you. I hope my experiences can help you in some little way. I can't wait to look back on this and remember the way I felt right now. Maybe I'll look back and remember silly old freshman me. I'm positive that I'll still be me though. I'll always be me.
If you ever need an ear, someone to tell a joke to, or maybe some advice, my tumblr ask box is always open.
Take care of yourself and others,
xoxo glitteronmynails
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