Spring Feelings

Hello again... Yes it's me. It feels like it's been 91 and a half years since I've blogged and somehow it also seems like it was yesterday. Now that I think about it, that's how most of my life has been feeling lately.
So I've finished my first semester of college and I don't necessarily know how I did it or if I even did it right I just know I did it. It wasn't easy but most of the struggles I had didn't happen in class. The first semester for me was all about figuring out where I fit and who I was going to be post-high school. It was a time of doing things by myself because that's all I had but also trying to make new friends. I focused on doing things for me and things that felt good. I tried to make good out of what felt bad and stay optimistic. I would say I was pretty good at it too. I made friends, established myself academically, and transitioned pretty well into typical college life. That's not to say I'm fully customed to college social culture because god knows every bone in me is filled with social awkwardness. Frankly, college parties gross me out. They're sleezy, sticky, and sweaty. The boys are drunk and looking for someone to grind and most girls are so emotionally unstable that they drown it in cheap limearitas they got their friend's boyfriend to buy them as they beg every girl they see to take a picture with them. Ah, the memories. Seeing that you can't exactly be a stick in the mud 24/7, I darkened the door of a couple frat parties, practically sober every time pretending to have a good time for a total of 4 hours until all of my less than sober friends decide to go back to our lousy freshman dorms. Yippee.

Needless to say I counted down the days until Christmas break. Once it finally came, I was in a state of bliss. I had a whole 31 days of my family, working, my own bed, and home. I could sleep in or not, shop, laugh with my sister, and forget about all the woes of school and the weirdness that is college life for just a small window of time. It was so refreshing that it made coming back a nightmare.

Second semester felt weird from the beginning. As soon as I got back to school, I immediately  contacted my residence hall director trying to get a room change and get away from my strange and rude roommate. I got a room change and at the first minute I could, dragged my stuff to the new room. I spent 3 nights in the new room by myself because my new roommate (who is one of my best friends and a sorority sister) couldn't move in until the end of the week. Those days were the worst days of the semester so far. I felt so sad and I had no idea why. I had just gotten what I wanted all of the first semester. I knew I was sad about break being over and feeling like college controlled my life and that I no longer had control of where I could spend my time and who with and where. I felt like I was doing absolutely everything wrong. I felt like my relationship with my parents was too strong and that that was a reason I hated being away from home. I blamed myself for being too reliant on the love they gave me. I worried I hadn't "sailed away" and lived a life outside of my family. I worried no one would ever love me and that I was incapable of a romantic relationship. I worked myself into the worst anxiety I had ever had and I couldn't seem to get myself to stop until I woke up with what must have been an anxiety attack. It just felt like I couldn't breathe and that my life was over and everything I'd done was wrong and that everything I'd ever wanted to do was doomed. I remember sitting in bed sobbing calling my mom. My mom talked me off a cliff that morning but I was still a bit of a wreck. I went home that weekend. I remember crying on the drive home. I got home and acted like everything was fine. I thought the anxiety would be lifted... I was home now. I realized that home didn't feel like it did the week before when I was on break. I also realized that I had a harder time transitioning and feeling okay second semester than I did first. I ended up sobbing talking to my parents about my worries and troubles and they talked me through everything. I've been journaling and trying to do more things that make me not worry as much. It's not easy and occasionally it comes back. I'm praying more now than I used to as well. I've always been a prayer but I feel closer to God now. More trusting. It's amazing how much pressure you can take off of yourself when you know someone is helping you through everything.

One of the things that has been getting me through has been Parks and Recreation. Yes, it sounds silly that a TV show has impacted me but it truly has. I saw a couple people tweet about it in addition to some of my favorite girly bloggers on tumblr raving about it. I couldn't understand what the fascination could be with a show called Parks and Recreation... It sounded weird. Truth be told, it is weird. Somehow it is just what I needed. It keeps me up at night giggling and make me feel more okay about my life and the world. It makes me believe that there are good things in store for me and restores my sense of laughter and fun that I sometimes feel like I miss when I'm at school. College students tend to lack in quick wit and silliness. They tend to lean their humor towards the vulgar and crude side.... Which tends not to always be my taste. In many ways, I see myself in the characters, like every Parks and Rec fan. I'm only on the 4th season but I've never felt more at home in Pawnee. If you haven't watched it, I couldn't recommend it more to any comedy loving person.

I'm hoping for a good finish to my freshman year. I have no idea where the time has gone. Sometimes it feels like this has been an eternity and sometimes it feels like it's been a week. Often times these days, I find myself thinking a lot about time. Like how I don't want to get older and how I don't feel the age I am. I try to remind myself that I've never felt the age I am and that's just me. I'm not like everyone else and I've never really felt like anyone else. Maybe that's okay. I try to stay optimistic and focused. I suppose it will all make sense someday.

xoxo
Allie