1 Month Till College

The funny thing about summer and life in general is that is goes so much faster than we anticipate it to. This summer in particular though, is one I knew would go fast. As of today, I have exactly 1 month until I move into college. True, I'm only going an hour and a half away but I don't think I've ever been more scared for anything in my entire life. 

College was something I had to warm up to. It wasn't that I was IN LOVE with high school and never wanted to leave, but it was familiar and easy. I knew everyone and I know my hometown like the back of my hand. In many ways, high school is what initiated this fear of college I have. They told us how hard it would be and that unless you had a 4.0, took every AP class, and aced your ACTs, you didn't even have a chance of getting in. 
Literally the most untrue thing in the world. 

Around October of my senior year, I realized that college was a concept I was going to have to get serious about. I had started looking into schools and thinking about what I wanted out of school. I quickly came to the conclusion that despite my love for my home and all things familiar, going away would serve to be good for me. In high school, I was a little bit of a nomad. I had lots of friends from all over the place. But not one solid group of best friends. I didn't make any real friends until the last semester of high school. Thinking back on it now, I learned so much about myself from being "friendless". I didn't challenge myself or really step out of my comfort zone. I assumed no one wanted to talk to me, so I didn't speak. It wasn't until I just talked and voiced my thoughts, that I realized if you talk, people will listen. People have no clue who you are or what you're about to say, so say it and work it out afterwards. High school was great. It was an amazing opportunity to learn about myself and an early reminder of how fast 4 years really does go. Opening up to people was the best thing I ever did for myself. 

I wasn't really considering the school I ultimately chose until senior year when an employee of my mom's encouraged me to look into there, as that was her alma mater. We went on a visit and I decided that it was right for me. Not too big, not too small and close enough to home. I applied, got in, got my paperwork done, went to orientation, bought some dorm essentials, and here I am, with a month to go, in a completely different place in my life than I was at this time last year. And as I think about it, I'll probably be saying that exact same thing next year. It's funny how life doesn't change until one day it does. 

I hope I can succeed. I really do believe I can. I want to find a part of me that can excel academically in the path I have chosen and a part of me that can thrive socially, like I never really have before. I want to open up and let people see me and all that I have to offer. 

I know that being away from home will kill me and that leaving my family, the people that know me more than anyone, will be the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I know there will be days I miss my full sized bed, my own bathroom, and my sister. I will miss my mom making food for me whenever I want it and her rubbing my back after a long day. Sitting here right now, tears growing in my eyes, I think about this moment and how it seemed so far off for so long. I can see me as a little girl, thinking about college, not knowing at all what I was going to do and I'm so proud of myself. So proud that I've brought myself this far. I deserve it. 

Part of me can't wait for college. 

I can't wait for the friends I'm going to make, and for my cute little dorm room, and for my college student chic outfits (sweatpants lol). I can't wait for sorority rush and to get gifts from my big and little t-shirts with greek letters. I can't wait to get my first A, or to meet someone who will make me smile bigger than I've ever smiled before. I can't wait to drive home for the weekend or a holiday and see my mom and dad and see how much my sister has grown up. I know I will feel so blessed and excited and I will cherish the time I have with them even more. It scares me to think that the only life I've ever know will continue to exist without me and that my sister is going to grow up and experience things that I won't be there for. She's never not had me there for her, but I hope she still tells me everything. 

Maybe this is the change I need. My life has been this road of things that never change. I always complained that nothing ever changes for me. This year I will make things change. I will be positive. I will be driven.

An Open Letter to Boys, Guys, and Men

Us girls, we're not that complex. Honestly, we're more like you that you may think. We're not perfect and each of us knows it. We're gross and weird and we confuse you. We do most things for unexplainable reasons. Truth be told, girls are simple. Like you guys, we're human and are all after the happiness and bliss we've only heard about. 

First off, never ask a girl for her number over social media. Especially if that's the only way you know her. Do not leave a girl a DM on twitter telling her she "pretty cute" and that you want her to "hit you up sometime." If your girl knows whats good for her, she isn't a fan of being called cute. Puppies are cute, babies are cute, your grandma's cute. If this girl was enough to catch your attention, she must be stunning. Tell her that. There isn't a more insincere way to ask a girl for her phone number than leaving her a message on social media. Not only does this not require any social interaction, but she can't hear you say it. Just to hear you ask her for her number will make her smile and endear you to her even more. Charming the girl is half the battle. 

When you find that you do want to talk to her, don't text her. Typed out messages where each letter is digital and identical means nothing in the grand scheme of things. (I must laugh at the irony in that statement as I write a blog post). The long "heartfelt" text messages that girls lust over is bullshit. Anyone can type. Typed words aren't to be trusted. You could have copied and pasted that. If you want to tell her how beautiful you think she is when she's doing what she loves and how you like the way she still counts on her fingers. Tell her how she caught your attention and look her in the eyes that you find so hypnotizing when you tell her this. Tell her that you're lucky to have her around. Let her know that you're just lucky to have her company. Sometimes it's refreshing to be with a guy that isn't always checking you out and trying to pull a move every time he sees you. Learn to appreciate her mind and voice. I would rather spend my night recalling what your voice sounded like when we laughed together than read over your mindless messages that you ended with a generic haha. 

Believe it or not, girls are born to be worriers. She's worried about her grades, friends, appearance, reputation all the time. Like you, she's trying to be the best for everybody. She'll wear a dress and you'll admire how beautiful she looks in it, but she'll sit there pulling at it all day still unsure if she looks okay. Most girls have had to ignore a catcall or something of that nature at least once in her life. There is nothing that can make you more uncomfortable that unwanted suggestive comments. 
Please never ever ever say or do anything sexual or suggestive to a girl without her consent. You will ruin her day and she'll never forget it. And despite what the a-holes of the world think, it is in no way taken as a compliment. If you think a girl is sexy, you better ask her on a date and leave her flowers at her door every night. You better work for it. Guys want it easy. Don't be the guy that wants so much out of a girl but doesn't work at it. Your girl will want to if you approach it right. No girl is an item and never forget that you wouldn't be on this earth if it weren't for the selflessness of a woman. 

Never make fun of or mock a girl on her period. Period jokes are for girls and stay between girls. We can joke about it because we're the ones that have our inner organs bleed out for a week straight. When this starts to be a thing with you, you're more than welcome to join in on the jokes but in the meantime, I better not hear you utter a foul word about whether a girl is or is not on her period. She'll cry for no reason and probably be very irritable but she 100% can't help it so stop acting like she can. PMS is a weird thing and it sucks. She knows. Periods feel like the devil is inside of you and is killing you from the inside out by taking your lower body organs and wrapping them around themselves. Some girls pass out it gets so bad. Monthly. It's hell and if your girl asks you to go buy her some tampons, you do it. There's no need to be embarrassed, good lord. People know they're not for you so don't even go down that path. Buying a girl feminine supplies is one of the most overrated and kindest things a man can do for a woman.

Every girl wants love. They want that person who makes life bearable and worth it. That person who makes her feel less alone. 
Please be that person for her. Be the one who will tell the same joke over and over just because you like the way her eyes light up when she giggles at it. Memorize her favorite coffee order and she'll memorize yours. Ask her about her life and her parents and what her best friend is like. Ask her how she grew up. Let yourself wonder how she came to be this person you find so admirable.  Ask her about her hard times and what scares her the most. Ask her what her favorite smell is and let her tell you the story of how she broke her arm when she was seven. Ask her what her favorite song is and listen to it. It could be the worst song in the world but it matters to her. Figure out why. 

Spend time wondering about her. 
There is so much unexplored. 
Every girl has a thousand untold stories. 

Teach her and she will teach you. Show her the things you love and let her fall in love with your passion for college basketball or rock music. Make her eat flaming hot nachos just for your own amusement. Make that a day you'll remember forever. Don't be afraid to tell her what you're afraid of that you're not very good at math. Don't change because she actually does like the way you're never perfect because neither is she. Fall in love with someone who laughs at the same things you do and never stop trying to make her smile. She'll probably always be a little bit of a mystery to you but be consistent for her and you'll be all each other ever needs. 

Let her become your best friend. The one you want. 
Soon you'll start to see yourself in her and you'll smile because now you're apart of her story and she's apart of yours. 

Let her be her and love her for it and I promise once you understand that any girl wants is sincerity and someone who will look up from his phone long enough to hold the door for her, you will find her. 

You'll know her when you see her. 

Loneliness, Tests and Tumblr

Do you ever just feel like you're stopped?
Like the whole world is moving on and making memories and experiencing things and you're just... not.

Sometimes I feel so alone that it exhausts me.
I can't fathom being loved by another.
I can't imagine being looked at and admired for being 100% me.
No one has ever liked me.

I like me.
Why doesn't anyone else.

I have to take another silly standardized test tomorrow that is going to supposedly tell me how fit I am to receive academic benefits from some college. Based on my last score of a test of this nature, I have no where to go but up.

Standardize tests really irritate me.
Like, how dare you tell me, based on four hours of tedious shifting in plastic chairs under fluorescent lights, how well I will succeed in college and eventually, life?


All in all, they just give me high amounts of anxiety, which I definitely don't need more of.

I'm becoming concerned for said test, because I am currently experiencing the worst back/stomach ache of my life and I'm having feelings associated with passing out.
Thankfully, I'm laying in my mess of a bed in my mess of a room, so if I do pass out, I'll just doze off.
Until 6:30 am, that is. (my wake up time for said dreaded test)

I've had quite a few days off lately, mostly due to a large snowstorm. These days off have given me the chance to become acquainted with a new Netflix show. My most recent favorite has been "New Girl". It's typically on FOX on Tuesdays I believe, and it's such a great show. Genuine humor, great story lines, and loveable characters. AKA everything I love in a TV show. Highly recommend. I'm only about halfway through season 2, but I'm catching up. I think season 3 is currently on TV now.

Over my days off, I've downloaded some new music.
 Side note: When I say "new music", I mean new to me. It could be from 2006. Who knows. Not me.

Funny thing, all of my new songs happen to be Ed Sheeran songs. I couldn't love him more plus there is no relationship that I ship more than Sweeran (Taylor Swift + Ed Sheeran)

A few of my faves

"Firefly"
"Gold Rush"
"Tenerife Sea" (This is supposedly his song for Taylor) awwww

Basically, Ed Sheeran's songs have the power to make me wish I was in a relationship where someone would sing about how my lips taste like strawberries and how my hair falls on my shoulders.

Naturally, no matter how many compliments on my long blonde hair I get, I am yet again, invisible.

Tumblr is one of my few pleasures these days.
I have to have some time on it each day. It calms me down.
It gives me hope.
I think it reminds me of all I love about love and all the things I want for my life.

If you're not familiar with my Tumblr, here's the link.

http://glitteronmynail.tumblr.com

*shameless promotion never gets old haha

It's funny because I am hardly on Instagram but I'm on Tumblr 24/7. I guess I care more about the things I love in life than some sophomore's #SelfieSunday.

I've been rather rambly throughout this post but a good ramble is good for you from time to time.
I hope you all are well, and if you've made it this far in my post thank you so much and I'm glad one person cares about my bizarre thoughts.

If you have any bizarre thoughts of your own, feel free to leave them in the comments, my tumblr ask box.

I'd love to hear, and I find the lives of others intriguing, so please share.

Take a deep breath and enjoy the weekend.

i love you guys

XOXO

Noticing Things

Lately I've been thinking. 
Mostly about what in store for me in the future. I spend a lot of time wondering about the future and if I'm going to be any different of a person then than I am now. 

When I was younger, I would think about high school and picture a more grown up version of myself, driving around, with a million friends and the most gorgeous boyfriend.
That time has come and is now, close to ending and not a lot has happen for me. No boyfriend. Not a lot of friends. Not a lot of change.
I've never been a "scene" chaser. I don't care what the popular kids are doing or where the next party is at. I don't listen to the same music as everyone else and I like being alone.

Maybe that's why I always am alone.

I get tired of being alone though. Sometimes it's nice to be able to lie in your bed all by yourself all night, and browse the internet, and watch movies, and wear your hair messy. It's nice not to worry about anybody else. I've always hated worrying about what other people think. 
Sometimes though, I think that it would be kinda fun to go out and maybe do something fun with someone cool. Like, it doesn't even have to be a date. 
Things like that scare me to death. I've always been afraid of what I don't know... Some say that's a trait of first born children. 

Then, as I'm sitting in my room, lonely, I wonder why I can't have somebody. I don't always have to look perfect for them. Why can't we just sit around, watching movies together, not caring about anything than spending time with one another? Why can't I find that?

Why can't I find someone who just wants to be with me? Just in the most innocent way possible.
I want someone to love me for my mind and my opinions. I want someone to want to make me laugh and to write me things they know will make me smile. 
I want to not care what I do around them, and not have to form myself to be someone they'll want to spend time with. I want to be intriguing and confident. 
I already am though.
I want someone to notice it. 

How "One Tree Hill" Changed my Life

I was seven years old when One Tree Hill first aired. I had no idea such a thing existed. My life was consumed with many different things than the newest TV drama at that age. It wasn't until 9 years later, September of 2012 that I turned on Netflix looking for a good show to start. I flipped through the shows and saw One Tree Hill. I remember seeing ads for it around 2007 in some magazines I'd read. I'd always noticed Chad Michael Murray was in and what girl doesn't love him? I gave it a try. By the first episode, I was already dying to see what was going to happen with this show. Knowing ahead of time, that there were 187 episodes and 9 seasons intrigued me. I had to know what kept it going for so long. 

It was a couple weeks before I watched another episode. By this time it was around November and I was halfway through season 1. At the beginning of December, I went on a trip with my family, to stay in a cabin in the middle of the woods for four days. Having no TV, and just our cell phones for entertainment, I picked up on OTH again, via my Netflix app. That was the moment I truly fell in love. 

That was when I realized what Naley truly was and the love and potential there was, and when I saw all that Lucas could grow to be. I saw a spark in that show that kept me going. In the four days I was on my trip, I watched the rest of season 1 and all of season 2. I could already tell this show had an indescribable depth to it that no other show I'd seen had.

Upon returning home from my trip, I didn't get a lot of time to watch OTH but I wanted to. It wasn't until I went back to the cabin for spring break in March, where I picked it back up again. I watched it the whole week. After returning home, I woke up in the morning excited to watch it. As geeky as it sounds, Nathan, Haley, Brooke, Lucas, and Peyton were my friends. I looked forward to seeing them and to seeing how their lives changed. As soon as I got home from school, I set up for my OTH time. I would have two spoon-fulls of Nutella and settle down. It was when the world was still. I found peace in that. I could watch two episodes before I had to leave to pick my sister up from her cheer practice. I liked that limit. Two was a good amount of episodes, because I wanted to make them last. After all, there are only 187. 

I learned all the songs, and fell in love with the cast, and had my favorite quote. I'm still upset that I didn't catch on to this show sooner. 

Summer came, and I was on the last three seasons. I went back to my family's cabin and was immediately taken back to the nights I spent falling in love with a little show. The show ended and I cried. They were happy tears because as I watched episode 13 of season 9, I saw there wishing and hoping that I too, someday, could have the type of love and friendship in my life that my favorite group of friends from Tree Hill, North Carolina have. 

My favorite thing about the show is the story. It all started about fathers. Being one and having one. We started our story about a son with no father, and a son who had a father but didn't feel like it. We ended our story with a father so good, so loving, so gracious and a son who thrived off of the love he felt from his father. 

Brooke Davis is a character, who alone, changed my life. Brooke wasn't perfect. I think that somewhere along the line, we all hated Brooke. My Brooke hating time was around season 2 when she had Lucas and was essentially stealing him from Peyton (I was always a Leyton fan). But somewhere, and I can't remember where, I fell in love with Brooke. I fell in love with how good of a friend she was because at that time in my life, I was dying for a friend like that. I loved Brooke's passion and wit and how she wasn't afraid of anything. If she wanted it, she would get it. I loved how Brooke wasn't afraid to cry because at the end of the day, she had gone through so much. I think each of us saw a little bit of ourselves in Brooke. It wasn't until season 5, when I believe Brooke's character really developed. She was a savvy business woman who has a strong head and good morals... Which is everything I aspire to be. When Julian came into the picture for Brooke, she was changed so developed from the party girl she was in high school (seasons 1-4). 
I love the line:

"My heart aches at how my life turned out... in a good way"

No better line could have summed up Brooke's life and how I someday wish for mine to be. 

This show has made me laugh, cry, and dream and I still eat Nutella, and am reminded my Junior year of high school, sitting in my basement sobbing through episodes of OTH. This show has showed my favorite songs and given me wisdom that someday, when the time comes, my life will turn out okay. 

Some of my favorite songs that I've found through OTH are as follows:
"I Don't Wanna Be" - Gavin  Degraw (It's the theme song and basically the anthem to life)
"Missing You" - Tyler Hilton (One of the most fun to sing songs when you're super emotional)
"Blue Skies" - Strays Don't Sleep 
"More than Anyone" - Gavin Degraw (Naley.. always and forever)
"Loaded Gun" - Tyler Hilton (A crazy fun song)
"You'll Ask for Me" - Tyler Hilton (Everyone's thoughts on being accepted. This song was also in the Honey Grove episode which was one of my favorites)

+ SO MANY MORE. 

Episode I cried the hardest in: 7x18 
I loved the portrayal of Lydia's relationship with the girls, and the girl's relationships with each other despite their different lives. They came together just like little girls again to be with their mom in a hard time. It was beautiful. 

I don't think I could ever capture the love I have for this show but I tried.
Thank you so much for reading
"There is only one Tree Hill... and it's your home"

High School & Turning Eighteen

Everything about high school makes me wanna give up. Being stuck in such a small area of the world is suffocating. I want to do what I want to do, and be done with the rest. There's nothing about these people I'm surrounded with that will matter to me in time, and I can't stand being judged and inhibited by such little things. I want to immerse myself if love and life and the people I love. I'm sick of sitting in class worrying about little things like people and worksheets. I crave a freedom that is difficult to obtain so young. College will be good for me. It scares me to death but I know that it will help me become something bigger than a high school girl. I want to be complex and intelligent. I want to surround myself with new people that make me laugh and remind me of the things I love. The truth is I'm scared of growing up and I'm scared of leaving the one life I know. I'm scared of always facing the world alone and I'm tired of hiding behind what everyone wants me to be. I don't know where I'll be this time next year. I don't know how I'm going to get there. I'll be 18 in a week and I don't know how I feel about that. Being an adult. I've never been an adult before. 

I've been a little girl, spinning around in her new dress alone in her bedroom and I've sat on my mother's lap as she braided my hair. I've been 10, 11, and 12. I've been to middle school, and I've been scared out of my mind starting high school. All through that time, I've thought about what it would be like to be an adult. 18. What if I'm not good at it? Then again, once I turn 18, I'll be no different than I am at 17. I'll still come to school and deal with the same idiots everyday and stress about the same stupid projects. That's what I mean about being stuck. I am an adult who is now capable of turning my life into something, yet here I am. Stuck. Alone. Dying to get out. Ready to Move on. 

There was a quote in my all time favorite show One Tree Hill that put the feeling of growing up into words perfectly. 

"It's the oldest story in the world. One day, you're 17 and planning for someday. And then quietly, and without you ever really noticing, someday is today, and then someday is yesterday, and this is your life"

I'm so excited and scared to death.  





Tumblr

Twitter